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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737964">Nobody can hear you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stycoa/pseuds/Stycoa'>Stycoa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bellamy Blake &amp; Lexa Friendship, Clarke Griffin &amp; John Murphy Friendship, F/F, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Modern Setting Clarke Griffin/Lexa, POV Clarke Griffin, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 18:27:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,654</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737964</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stycoa/pseuds/Stycoa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Clexa AU based off a fan edit I saw on youtube {Clarke &amp;| Lexa Nobody can hear you-by LiFaAn}<br/>Clarke Griffin has Been in love with Lexa for as long as she can remember.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clarke Griffin/Lexa, John Murphy/Raven Reyes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nobody can hear you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TRIGGER WARNING: suicide attempt, depression, internalized homophobia, abusive parent. I just really wanted to tell this story from the way I interpreted it because it was such a beautifully edited story, also yes I know some parts didn't happen in the video but I needed to fill the gaps to make it flow properly</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke and Lexa had been friends for years, since middle school, throughout all that shit Lexa was going through with her father. Clarke loved her, and Lexa knew she did. She would do anything for Lexa, even if it meant she would suffer from it, just to see that pearly white smile and those green eyes sparkle.</p><p>Tonight was one of those nights, She had agreed to go to a party and dress up nice for Lexas Instagram feed. It sounded selfish but it truly wasn't, Lexa claimed she wanted to take back her reputation after her father so bitterly destroyed it with each bruise.</p><p>Clarke sat in the lonely arm chair, watching as Lexa applied the dark red lip stick to her perfect skin. Her mind wandered to places she knew it shouldn't go but allowed it anyhow. Lexa would pause her makeup to walk over and straddle her, smirking before they would kiss.</p><p>She wanted very badly to smudge the red lipstick with her own lips, to loose her breath in the kiss she knew would be amazing but she couldn't. They were just friends. That thought alone sent her into a deep thought.</p><p>She gulps back her feelings when she felt the girl staring at her, beautiful as always. Clarke furrows her brows as she stared and then Lexa rolled her eyes, looking away with a harsh sigh. "I told you to cut it out"</p><p>Clarke nods quickly, looking down as her cheeks flushed. "I'll just go alone if this is to much for you" Lexa threatens with anger rising in her chest. Clarke sits up from her man spreading then she shakes her head quickly "No! I can stop, I will stop"</p><p>Lexa silently glances to her from the mirror then she nods and continues to apply the makeup, staring at herself in what she hoped to be a confident gaze but Clarke recognized it all to well, doubt. She was doubting her looks, doubting every time Clarke had told her she was beautiful because her father had called her something 10 times more negative.</p><p>"You look great" She says in a reassuring tone and Lexa scoffs "<em>You </em>would think so" Clarke ignores the sting of pain from the rejection. She hated Lexas father more then a person should hate another person. Lexa wanted validation, she wanted love and he never gave it to her.</p><p>She thought she had love with Finn but he left her with nothing, she was broken after him. Her father only made conditions worse with his drinking and his overall behavior towards her. Clarke was there, through <em>all </em>of it "Let's go" Lexa says with a fluff of her brown hair and a quick spin to face the blonde.</p><p>It took Clarke an embarrassing amount of force to keep her breathing normal and not bite her lip in satisfaction. The car ride to the house of the party was tense. Clarke taking short quick breaths in attempt to drown out the heavenly perfume Lexa had on, one hand resting on the wheel and the other was nervously scratching at the base of her neck.</p><p>Clarke swallows and she looks down, fidgeting with her sleeves. They should be talking, about something, anything but Clarke didn't know what topics were okay to bring up without crossing the very clear lines Lexa had.</p><p>The green eyes side glanced then she sighs deeply through her nose and looked back to the road. "I told the boys to meet us there, Murphy, and Bellamy" Clarke stares at the dashboard as she spoke. "What about Raven and Octavia?"</p><p>Lexa nods silently "They'll be there as well, maybe you can find yourself a nice girl to take home" Clarke didn't speak until they arrived at the house, She greets the boys with a wide smile. Relieved to see someone who actually wanted to be around her.</p><p>Lexa and Bellamy head into the house for drinks while Murphy and Clarke stay out to talk for a bit. "Hows the mood for today? Scale of 1-10" He offers her his beer and she takes it thankfully, taking a nice long sip then cringing at the watered down taste.</p><p>"She's pretty cranky, like a 9" Murphy and she had become close friends once he and Raven had become a couple; officially. They mostly bitched about things they wouldn't dare say aloud to anyone else, since there was an unspoken rule that the secrets were safe between them.</p><p>"I just wish I could explain it..." Clarke starts in a soft tone, leaning her back against the railing of the stairs. Murphy nods gently as she spoke. "Maybe if I just tell her how I feel- how she makes me feel then she'll just give me a breath"</p><p>He shakes his head, leaning closer to her "We have already established that this is a bad idea, nothing has changed. Her dads still a jackass, she's still your best friend-"</p><p>"It doesn't fucking feel like it!" Murphy puts his hands up, looking at her with the familiar pain in his eyes. "She-" Clarke shakes her head and lowers her tone to a heart broken whisper. "She barley looks at me, It feels like our friendship is a <em>chore </em>to her"</p><p>He clenched his jaw lowering his voice as well "Clarke, you know what her dad is like... that's stressful enough, why cant you just be there as her best friend?" She stares at him a little longer, nodding stiffly at her false promise of silence.</p><p>She remembered the nights when Lexa and her would cuddle after she cried her guts out. Or the positive days when they would laugh for hours at a dumb joke. She knew best friends didn't smile at each other the way Lexa smiled when she saw Clarke</p><p>If there was even the slightest possibility that Lexa liked her back- or that she cares about her at all, she had to tell her. She hands him his beer back, entering the house to find her best friend.</p><p>After thoroughly looking through all three levels of the house she grabs her own beer bottle and heads down to the backyard pool area. She instantly spots her then, chatting with Octavia and smiling as bright as the sun.</p><p>Clarke swallows down her jealousy, ducking her head as she makes her way towards them. She gives the two a smile which surprisingly, Lexa returns and wraps an arm over her neck. "Yeah, so anyway.." She continued her conversation, leaning against Clarke and laughing enthusiastically.</p><p>When the party was over Lexa was too drunk to drive herself or to even take those stupid pictures, so she and Clarke got an Uber and returned to Clarke's house with Lexa giggling and whispering songs the whole ride. Clarke looks to the living room where her mother was, working on bills. "Night, love you" she calls without glancing up.</p><p>Lexa was a frequent flyer at the Griffin household, Abby being a doctor was a plus because she knew how to properly take care of wounds that Clarke lacked in.</p><p>Clarke waves, keeping the brunette leaning against her "Night, mom" When she gets up the stairs she pushed the brown haired girl onto the bed, not expecting her to pull Clarke ontop of her. <em>fuck, fuck, fuck. </em>her mind screams.</p><p>With a pounding heart beat, hands leading over her hips, she turns her head away "No, Lexa you're drunk. You're not thinking straight" Anything to stop this, this was wrong-she could practically taste the cheap beer on her lips.</p><p>"Kiss me, help me feel something, Clarke" Lexa tried to kiss her once more before Clarke pulled away and shakes her head "No, just go to sleep" She ran her fingers through her hair as she entered the bathroom. Trying to ease her screaming mind, she needed to tell her. In the morning when minds were sober and hearts weren't so heavy.</p><p>She slides onto the bathroom floor, her hands keeping their place tightly wound into her hair as she lets herself sob as quietly as she could muster so mom wouldn't hear. She had lost track of how many nights she spent sobbing in the bathroom over her best friend.</p><p>Clarke rubs her face, willing herself to stop, to let the headache and the sore throat stop but it never does. She doesn't remember falling asleep but she does hear the footstep above her head as Lexa climbs out of the bed. She had slept on the floor, knowing a sober Lexa might not be so forgiving of a drunken cuddle session.</p><p>Clarke watched the girl as she scratched her head and entered the bathroom. She knew she had to tell her today. She stands up, stretching the tension out of her shoulders and then walking to the hallway bathroom for headache pills since the other would most definitely be in pain.</p><p>When she returns, Lexa was sitting on the bed staring at the floor. "Morning" Clarke says, offering her the little blue and red pills. Lexa stares up at her, eye bags extremely visible. "That for me?" She says in a raspy voice, her smile tired but beautiful.</p><p>It was almost like old Lexa, before the light went out, before life got to complicated for her to keep up with. Before her father used her as a punching bag. Clarke nods with a small smile, handing her the pill and then sitting next to her on the bed.</p><p>Clarke took silent note of their legs brushing as Lexa swallowed it down and sighs softly "I'm sorry about last night..." Clarke looks at her and she nods a little. "Its alright, you were drunk and your dad is-" Lexa shakes her head, standing up and then heading for the bathroom.</p><p>"Why don't you ever talk about him? Why don't you let me help you?" Clarke pleads, her eyes never leaving the other. "Because you can't help! There's nothing anyone can do!" She says louder then she shakes her head, crossing her arms over herself. To protect herself.</p><p>"Yes I can!" She pleads again, looking to the arms for a moment "Lexa, you can talk to me, I would never hurt you!" Lexa scoffs, tilting her head "Why? Why does me talking about my father intrigue you <em>so </em>much?" She had an accusing tone that Clarke recognized instantly. She was putting her walls up again, higher then she's ever seen them.</p><p>"Because I love you.." She whispers, her voice unsteady and watery from the tears threatening to spill over. Lexa sighs softly through her nose while she finally drops her arms to her sides, staring at her again. Clarke could feel her eyes pooling, the judgmental stare of her best friend was painful to be on the receiving end of it.</p><p>"I'm not in love.." She says softly, Clarke felt her heart shattering at her tone. She looks down away from those green eyes, which she had grown to love and focused on holding her sob back. "I've been in love before, this isn't it" She shrugs her shoulders.</p><p>Her eyes showing no emotions. Not rage, hate, resent or anything. It was like staring into a brick wall. She swallows the hot tears down, nodding a little as Lexa silently got dressed.</p><p>"I'll see you at school" She says flatly, throwing her jacket from the previous night over her shoulder and then leaving out of the bedroom. Clarke allows herself to slowly lay on her side. Staring out the window next to her bed.</p><p>She wished she could say that this was expected, she wished she could say it didn't hurt. She remembers when Lexa wasn't so cold, when she smiled every time she saw Clarke.</p><p>Her damn father had ruined her so badly, she just knew Lexa needed her best friend more then she needed the complications of her own feelings. She closed her eyes, squeezing the pillow to her chest tightly, how could she be so fucking selfish?</p><p>Lexa breathed quickly through her nose as she makes her way down the street. Not home but somewhere. Her mind raced with all of her interactions with her best friend. The first time they had a sleepover, when Lexa had dated Finn and Clarke tried to warn her he was a player, but she didn't listen because she thought Clarke was just being 'too gay' for relationship advice.</p><p>Every touch, every smile, every hug, every casual text when they said I love you. Clarke meant it. Clarke loved her. Lexa loved her to, but it was different. She's not supposed to like girls. She likes boys. She looks up from her dazed walk to see the front door of Bellamy's house, with a slow inhale she knocks on the door.</p><p>She likes boys, she tells herself when he opens it shirtless, his black hair a mess and that lazy smile he gives. She likes boys, she tells herself when they are sitting on the sofa and she's to focused on what happened with Clarke then Bellamy or the tv show that's meant to relax her.</p><p>She likes boys, she tells herself when she lunges herself into a kiss, onto his lap and then up the stairs. Lips locked but feeling nothing at all but gripping hands on her waist, a hard pressure against her legs.</p><p>She likes boys, she tells herself again when he's laying next to her, sweaty and naked. Grinning ear to ear while she just stares at the ceiling. She didn't like Bellamy. She didn't like that. It's not his fault. It's hers. She <em>doesn't</em> like boys, not in this manner at least.</p><p>She closed her eyes and focused on him catching his breath next to her. Soon her fathers words invaded her thoughts.</p><p>
  <em>Shut the fuck up when I'm speaking.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Every time I have to redirect you I might just use my fist.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Put some fucking clothes on, you look like a slut.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The real reason that damn boy left was because you're impossible to love.</em>
</p><p>She brings her hands to her face, rubbing her temples with her fingers and forcing the thoughts away. She felt Bellamy gently rub her arm and she tenses, remembering he was here, what they had done.</p><p>"Are you okay?" He asks gently. She wanted to cry, she should cry then she could leave without raising suspicion. Without being a <em>burden. </em>It never worked with her father but maybe it could work with Bellamy. She blinks a few times, trying to will the tears to come but to no avail.</p><p>"Yeah, I'm fine" she says, sitting up, clutching the blanket to her chest and idly looking for her clothes. Bellamy shifts in the bed as well, moving one of his large calloused hands to rub the base of her back. He leans against her, placing a kiss to her shoulder then.</p><p>She tried not to squirm, to pretend to enjoy him. To like him. She gives a fake smile and even mustered up enough courage to give him one last quick kiss before she was climbing from the bed. Getting dressed as fast as her stinging legs would allow her.</p><p>The day was still early and already two life altering things had happened. First, there was a large possibility she had romantic feelings for Clarke and she had slept with one of their best friends. What the hell was wrong with her?</p><p>When Clarke sees Lexa after two days at school, in gym, it's like her heart splits in two but she <em>smiles. </em>She has to smile, or else Lexa would <em>know. </em>Maybe she already did know, know just how badly she fucked her, how badly in pain she was because of the rejection.</p><p>"Hey.." she says awkwardly, crossing her arm over her chest to stretch her shoulders. Lexa gives a look Clarke doesn't quite recognize then she nods in her general direction, looking down away from her gaze. Clarke pretends it doesn't effect her.</p><p>Later when she's home alone she gets into her mothers alcohol cabinet, grabbing at the Chardonnay wine and drinking it down like water. It burns her throat like lemon on a open cut but she keeps drinking, hoping to shut her brain up- shut her thoughts up.</p><p>She just wants quiet and peace. Once she's drunken an obvious amount she sets it back, taking her backpack and herself up the stairs to work on homework which seemed pointless when both she and her friend were struggling.</p><p>She sits on the grey comforter covered mattress, staring out the window for a while. Soon the window grew droopy and she started to sway as she sat. The fuzzy comforting feeling she always got from drinking was taking hold.</p><p>She lays on her side, sighing slowly through her nose. If she could just drown out her thoughts, if she could just numb herself- numb the pain it would be better. She would be better, she could drink instead of thinking of Lexa, sleep instead of thinking of Lexa. Do literally anything else in place of thinking of Lexa. Tomorrow she would do better.</p><p>She rises with a painful headache, she lets a gentle sigh out and tends to that slowly. Taking an aspirin and then getting dressed reluctantly for school. The whole ordeal takes her almost an hour. She would be late for school but it was worth it, Lexa hadn't crossed her mind all morning.</p><p>She waved goodbye to her mother as she leaves to walk to school. Abby gives her a smile and waves, her eyes drifting to the liquor cabinet with sadness behind them. She knew.</p><p>After a peaceful and quiet walk to school she's met with the loud slamming of lockers from high school teenagers. She sighs roughly through her nose, looking around the halls for- her body goes rigid as she spots her at the locker.</p><p>Her brown hair flowing over her shoulders perfectly. She was looking at a piece of paper in her hands, her brown eyebrows furrowed gently. Clarke knew this beautiful look of concentration better than anyone else.</p><p>She loved this look, she shakes the thought away when she remembered her mission for today. To be better. She was about to approach her when she saw Bellamy wrap his arms around her waist and spin her into his chest.</p><p>Lexa's eyes were wide as she stares at him then he mashed his lips against her own. Clarke felt her eyes widen then they narrowed as she felt the rush of anger. Walking towards them only to see Lexa pushing him back and slapping him hard across the face.</p><p>Clarke, Lexa and Bellamy all had the same look of surprise. Lexa staring at her hands before he spoke awkwardly "I'm sorry if I misread the other day... I just thought you were into me.. you came over and-" Lexa shakes her head, her eyes shooting to Clarke for a moment. Guilt shining in her green eyes as soon as the blondes face relaxed into one of a deep understanding.</p><p>"You two..." Clarke trails off and Lexa sighs softly, Bellamy turns around and disappears into the crowd. Leaving the two girls alone. "Look Clarke..." Lexa begins to say, to try and explain what she was afraid to say to herself.</p><p>That the reason she couldn't take her eyes away from those blue eyes was because they were so captivating. That how many times they stared after a joke could mean something more then a best friend. The nights shared under Clarke's comforter with a cheesy romance movie playing and Oreo crumbs being spilt between them, she knew there was something hovering in the air.</p><p>"Was he good at least?" Clarke snaps, her eyes looking back and forth between the green ones. Lexa stares at her heartbroken. "God- this is Finn all over again!" Lexa stops breathing. Her recently departed lover being brought up had caught her by surprise. "Don't talk about him" she says sharply and Clarke shakes her head.</p><p>"What about what I said? About my feelings for you?" Lexa clenched her jaw, trying to hide the terror she felt if someone where to find out about the secret. "you need to be quiet" she says again before slamming her locker shut and leaving down the hallway. She didn't know why she was being such a bitch about it. She didn't know why she couldn't just have a calm conversation with the blonde.</p><p>Perhaps it was her fathers doing, him bullying his own agendas onto her, beating her self esteem down and her own self worth so she would throw herself at the first boy to call her pretty.</p><p>Maybe the fact that Clarke had stayed when so many others had left. The fact that Clarke never pressured her to talk about anything she didn't want to... Clarke was different...until today. She thought she liked Clarke but that was apparently a lie too. She groans in frustration at the thought. Looking around shyly then.</p><p>She had nobody else to talk to, Octavia was out sick, Bellamy was... Bellamy. Clarke and her were on the outs and she and Raven had barley spoken since she got with Murphy. She secluded herself in the bathroom, leaning against her palm to catch her breath for a few moments. Today was shit already.</p><p>Clarke sat through her classes, tapping her leg angrily as the teachers droned on and on. She couldn't give a rats ass about math, or American history, or animal science or even art. The only thing she could focus on was the white hot anger pooling into her thoughts. The hardest part was she couldn't tell if it was rage or pure sadness. Tonight's dinner menu: Chardonnay, it helped her sleep and shut the noise for a while</p><p>She saw Lexa again, on her way to walk home. "Clarke, get in I'll drive you home" Lexa kept her smile light, it was to tempting. It was too good. She looks to the messy backseat, a spreadsheet of clothing and her mind immediately pictured Bellamy.</p><p>His lips on her skin, his hands on her waist, his body on top of Lexa's and then she felt the jealousy again, then the sadness. "No, I think I'll walk" she says flatly. She begins to walk down the street she usually goes, her hands crossed over her chest.</p><p>"You said we could carpool more often" Lexa climbs out of the car, walking around in front of it to look at Clarke with puppy dog eyes. "You said you were my best friend" Clarke counters then she turns around, looking at her with what she was attempting to be a resting bitch face but she was sure it showed her pain.</p><p>Lexa opens her mouth to speak truthfully then she closes it and tries again, her defense mechanism raising up "you make promises all the time!" She says loudly, pushing her feelings down again. She didn't want to be vulnerable, she couldn't be loved. "Because I miss you!" Clarke says with a broken tone.</p><p>She puts her arms out, begging for Lexa to hold her like she used to. Lexa clenched her jaw and covers her eyes with her hands "fuck..." she whispers. Clarke backs away, feeling the sting of rejection once more. "I'm sorry... I've... Ive caused enough problems for the day I'll just go home"</p><p>Clarke gives a weak smile, backing away again. Making up her mind in silence, she didn't love her. Lexa wanted nothing to do with her, she hated her. Clarke was a predator, crushing on a straight girl for years, obsessing over her. It needed to stop. She needed to stop.</p><p>"Clarke wait-" Lexa calls but the girl was waving her off and walking further still, she wanted nothing more then to be at home right now. Lexa sighs heavily, watching her leave down the street until she couldn't see her anymore then she climbs in the car and drives home.</p><p>When she arrives, her fathers black pickup truck was parked in the driveway. She gulps down the anxiety and she enters the house "dad?" She calls out. No response. He must've been upstairs in the computer room.</p><p>She makes herself a glass of water to calm her nerves, walking up the staircase shakily. She could hear the tapping on his keyboard, maybe today would be different. Better. "Hey dad" she says softly, glancing in his room then continuing to hers.</p><p>"Hey, get your ass back in here. Where the hell have you been?" He stands from the computer with a screech of wood and his broad shoulders hovering tall over her. She stares up at his dark brown eyes, intimidated once again and frozen with the fear that he would use his strength to hurt her. "I- I was at a friends house, Clarke's house"</p><p>Her father stares at her, his dark eyes showing no source of anger, no source of anything. "You're not doing any dyke shit right? Cause I can have someone over to fix you right up" Lexa swallowed the nerves down, her knees going weak for a second at the heavy weight behind his implications. "No sir..." she was choosing not to mention Bellamy for fear he would be the one bruised instead of her.</p><p>"Good" he says with a strong pat on her shoulder then he returns to his work. "I'm going for a jog" Lexa says breathlessly. Finally being able to breathe now that he wasn't staring into her soul with his dark abyss of eyes.</p><p>She changed into some tights and a black shirt, grabbing a cold water bottle and then leaving down the stairs quickly.</p><p>When Clarke entered the house her mother was sitting at the table. This definitely put a damper in her plans. "Hey mom" she tried to sound light hearted but it came out as a raspy mumble. "Hey sweetie, come sit I need to talk with you" Clarke looks up from her steady gaze with the ground then she drops her backpack and approaches the couch slowly.</p><p>"I know that Lexa has been having a hard time with her father, and I know how much you care about your friend but-" Clarke's eyes widened shaking her head "no- we can't go to the police, he's could hurt her bad her mom" Abby gives a nervous chuckle, gripping Clarke's hands as she makes eye contact.</p><p>"Clarke, half of my wine was gone... want to talk about what happened?" Her tone was soft and understanding but the blonde could feel her heart ripping out of her chest once more. She swallows thickly, looking down as her eyes glossed over. "I drank it" she whispers.</p><p>Abby furrows her brows as she nods "I know... just, please tell me what's going on" Clarke stares at her as her cheeks wet with tears quickly. A sob broke her voice as she tried to speak. Abby clutched her into a tight hug, rubbing her back quickly to soothe her.</p><p>All of the secrecy she had been holding in was exposing itself in the most raw form. She shakes her head, trying to will the tears to stop but they refused. "I..." Clarke tried to whisper but her voice wouldn't give either.</p><p>She knew if she couldn't get her crying under control she would likely throw up but her body didn't seem to care about the latter. Abby runs her fingers into Clarke's blonde hair, pulling her back just a little to make eye contact. "Just breathe, breathe Clarke"</p><p>She tells her with gentle reassurance. Her eyes showing love and affection for her daughter. Clarke forced herself to breathe, looking into her mothers eyes as she took quick shaky breaths. Eventually her tears eased up enough for her to form a coherent whisper.</p><p>"I love her so much..." she whispers to her mother who gives a small aged smile, understanding now. "She rejected you?" Abby questions but she could tell the swell of fresh tears in her eyes was confirmation enough. She simply holds her daughter until she falls asleep.</p><p>When Clarke finally fell asleep and was laying on her side on the sofa, Abby calls the Woods household, walking towards the kitchen so she wouldn't disturb Clarke. It rings for a few moments before she heard the click and someone lifting the house phone "hello?" A man said over the line. "Good afternoon, is Lexa Woods there?"</p><p>A pause then the mans voice once more, a more stern then before "Who's asking?"</p><p>"Dr. Abigail Griffin, my daughter and Lexa are close friends. I just wanted to check and see if Lexa would like to come over for dinner?" Another pause then the man chuckles fully. "You know, my daughter is actually out right now but I'll deliver the message when she gets back"</p><p>Abby nods, feeling relieved at playing matchmaker between the two. "Thank you, have a great rest of your-" the line hangs up before she could finish. Abby stare at her phone offended, rude.</p><p>Lexa leans against the railing, ducking her head as she listens to the calming sound of the seagulls. She loved running by the ocean, especially when she needed to clear her mind. She takes a slow heavy breath, rubbing her pony tail to smoothen it out.</p><p>Clarke loved her, she had sex with Bellamy. Her father was quite possibly a raging homophobe. Her best friend in the whole world was in love with her. She had sex with a guy she thought of as her brother. Her father would loose his mind if he ever found out.</p><p>She closed her eyes, swallowing back the tears that had threatened to spill over. She hadn't cried in a while. She inhales quickly, a sharp breath to try and refocus her mind then she begins to jog back to the house. Knowing it would be dark soon and she wasn't allowed outside after dark.</p><p>When she steps through the front door she listens for the clicking on the computer but it's not there. She looks to the living room, to his chair but he wasn't there either. His truck was outside so maybe he was in the bathroom. She was about to call out, to tell him she was home when she heard the refrigerator door slam shut.</p><p>She jumps, her heartbeat kicking her in the throat. despite all of her instincts telling her to run, that this wasn't safe she walks towards the kitchen. She takes one of her headphones out, looking at him with soft eyes. "I finished my run, I'm going to take a shower and-"</p><p>"I told you no more dyke shit didn't I?" He sets down his beer can. His dark eyes angry and narrow. She felt a chill go down her spine, staring at him with wide eyes now. "I'm not! I haven't done anything.." the hairs on the back of her neck stood up when she defended herself.</p><p>His strong jaw clenched and he walks closer silently. "Do not ever raise your voice at me." She looks away from his eyes and she nods a little. Her mind racing with all the possible ways to get out of this. A lie.</p><p>"I'm not gay dad, I'm dating a boy, Bellamy" she glances up at his features as the information passed through his mind and he processed it. His jaw clenched again. "Good, cause no kid of mine is gonna be fucking gay. Go shower"</p><p>He grips her arm roughly, turning her towards the stairs then he lets her go and continues with his beer. She massaged the pained spot gently as she walks up the stairs, her mind racing once more. It was like the run had been erased from memory, pointless.</p><p>She showers through the hot water. Keeping it in a steady stream over her body. She wanted to cry again, the headache forcing its way to the forefront of her mind. The tightness in her chest and throat. She closed her eyes, breathing slowly and deeply out her mouth. If she could keep it inside until she got to a safe space. To Clarke's place.</p><p>By the time she's out of the shower it's only eight pm. She takes a slow shaky breath, opening the messages between her and Clarke. The last one they exchanged was the night of the party, the night she tried to kiss her. A simple message telling her she was at the house and the door was locked.</p><p>She remembered how hard Clarke smiled when she opened the door, it warmed her heart more then she wanted to admit. She did love the girl, there was no doubting it now. She would tell her, but not over text.</p><p>Her phone buzzed with a notification, she snaps out of the trance of her thoughts. Reading over it quickly. <em>I'm so sorry! I didn't know she would call your father! I was asleep when it happened.</em></p><p>Lexa furrows her brows, typing a quick response <em>What are you talking about? Who called my father?</em></p><p>Clarke's typing bubble appears on the screen for a few seconds then the message. <em>My mom called your father and she asked him if you could come over for dinner because you and I are such close friends. I don't know why she did it but I am so sorry.</em></p><p>Lexa stares at the message wide eyed, it was her fault. Clarke had told her mother about them. Clarke's mother knew. She closed her phone. Setting it to the side and then laying on her back in the bed. She watched the fan as it spun slowly, letting it lull her into a dreamless sleep.</p><p>When Clarke wakes after a long night of sobbing and overthinking she's absolutely wrecked. Her mother had already left work for the hospital and she knew she would be late to school. She stands from the bed, checking her messages again.</p><p>
  <em>Read at 8:30 pm</em>
</p><p>She tried to ignore the pang of pain she felt in her heart then she sighs softly and sets the phone down. Walking down the stairs and towards the kitchen. She opens the refrigerator door, staring at the bland looking food. She wasn't hungry. She felt gross and exposed, like the day she told Lexa the truth. The whole truth.</p><p>She closed the door, walking to the kitchen table and sitting down, resting her hands against her forehead to ease the pounding of a headache. Last nights crying was the hardest she had ever cried. She nearly threw up from it.</p><p>What was a life worth living if all she did was cry and drink and sleep? She was beginning to act like an alcoholic. There was no way in hell she would be anything like Lexa's father. She eyes the drawer from over the counter, thinking over her choice with a sense of finality waving over her then she stands slowly.</p><p>***</p><p>Lexa grabs her phone off the counter, checking over her outfit once more. She gives a nervous smile, hoping it would scream gay to Clarke and straight to her father. A letter man jacket and a white shirt with black designs tucked into her ripped black jeans.</p><p>She jogs down the stairs, shooting her father a look of concern but he was asleep on his arm chair, his mouth hanging open as he snores. Lexa slips out of the house, speed walking down the road to Clarke's house.</p><p>Her chest was buzzing with excitement, she just hoped Clarke didn't blame herself to badly... maybe she wouldn't even take her after all the shit Lexa put her through just to stop herself from getting hurt again.</p><p>***</p><p>Clarke opens the drawer next to the stove, running her fingers over the sharp edge that mom always warned her about. Her eyes watered over as she slowly puts her wrist under it. Lexa didn't love her, she hated her in fact. She wanted nothing to do with her, what was the point to keep living with a pain like this?</p><p>She gulps a swallow, pressing her forearm into the edge and wincing as the pressure broke her skin, she forced herself to drag it further and further until she saw red dripping down her wrists.</p><p>She lets out a pained sob, it would be over soon, all this pain she felt. She slowly slides onto the floor, staring out the window.</p><p>***</p><p>Lexa finally comes upon the familiar brown house, where she had spent so many nights before. Escaping her father, being a shoulder to cry on, having a shoulder to cry on. Mixing random foods together and calling it a masterpiece. She smiles fondly at the memories of their childhood then she walks up towards the door and opens it.</p><p>If this was going to go the way she wanted it to it had to be a surprise. She walks towards the stairs at first then she heard the quick breathing and looks towards the kitchen. Her brown eyebrows furrowed stiffly as she enters "Clarke?" She called then was stunned with shock.</p><p>Seeing her best friend in a growing pool of red, her face wet with tears and her arm dripping the crimson liquid. "Oh my god..." she whispers, the green eyes were met with blue eyes and Clarke's watered over more.</p><p>"No! Don't you do this you stupid son of a bitch!" Lexa says angrily, grabbing a towel off the stove and then crouching down next to her, wrapping her arm in it tightly and clutching their bodies together.</p><p>Clarke melts into the grip, ignoring the fresh pain in her wrist again. "You came for me?" She whispers. Lexa looks at her, pain in her voice as she shushes her. "You need to save your strength" with a shaky hand she removes her phone from her pocket and calls 911.</p><p>"Hello? I- I need an ambulance at 4720 Gretchen way.. my friend hurt herself really bad... just get here quickly!" She puts the phone back onto the ground, clutching Clarke to her again. "I've got you..." she whispers in a chant.</p><p>For a few moments they lay with their heads pressed together and Lexa tightly pressing the now red towel against her wrist. She could feel her giving out, her eyes dropping slightly then shooting back open to stare at Lexa.</p><p>Lexa could hear the ambulance "just hold on a little longer..." she tells her with water pooling in her eyes. "Just breathe" she says more firmly. Clarke touches Lexas face, her fingertips leaving a streak of red.</p><p>"It's okay that you don't love me" she whispers then Lexa shakes her head quickly, her throat tightening slightly. "I..." she tries to say but it was broken by a stifled sob. Clarke gives a soft smile, nodding as she lowered her head again and leaned against her limply.</p><p>"No, Clarke, you have to wake up!" She shakes her arms, hearing a knock at the door before the paramedics rushed inside with a gurney. "Over here! She's here!" Lexa calls panicky now.</p><p>She couldn't loose her best friend, not like this. Not before she told her. A man with short blonde hair helps lift Clarke onto the table and they wrap her arms in gauze. Another man, a brunette with a nice beard checks her pulse then he nods before they start to wheel her out the house. Leaving Lexa alone, covered in blood and tears.</p><p>She couldn't just leave the house a mess. Not for Abby to see this way. She gulps down the tears that were swelling again, and strips of her beloved letter man jacket. She didn't want it to get covered in blood and bleach.</p><p>After twenty minutes of frivolous cleaning and scrubbing she decides to go to the hospital, she leaves a note about the mess and promptly leaves the house. She jogged down the street, towards her own little house. She ignored the black truck and climbs straight into her own car, backing it out of the driveway and heading downtown to the hospital.</p><p>She steps out of the car, a wave of nausea washing over her. She hated hospitals. Ever since the first time her dad hit her, it was in the mouth and she had to get a tooth pulled. She told them she tripped and fell on the stairs, her father just sat there staring at her with the dirtiest look in his eyes.</p><p>She never understood why he hated her so much, she was trying so hard to be what he wanted her to be but it was never enough. Nothing was ever enough for anyone, she was always going to be a let down.... but not to Clarke.</p><p>Clarke loved her through all of the nights, all of the bruises, all of the times Lexa had ignored her because she was fighting her own internal conflict. Clarke was real and Lexa was to late.</p><p>She approached the receptionist desk, gently placing her hands on the counter "I'm here for Clarke Griffin?" She timidly addresses. The woman taps on the computer, not making eye contact when she speaks "the teenager with the suicide attempt?"</p><p>Lexa winced at the straightforwardness. She then nods and removed her hands from the counter "yes, can I see her?" The woman nods, writing three digits on a paper and handing to Lexa. "The doctors have her sedated but you can go see her."</p><p>Lexa leaves the table without a word. <em>Suicide attempt. </em>She knew what Clarke was doing but hearing it out loud made it real, really real. She felt the chill go down her spine then she knocks on the door, room 408.</p><p>There is motion on the other side, a curse word then it opens, Lexa is met with Abby staring at her, her cheeks wet with tears and her eyes unfocused. "Lexa, hey come on in" she greets her as cheerfully as she could muster which wasn't that different.</p><p>Lexa entered the hospital room and could feel the tension overcoming her body. Her eyes drifted slowly to the bed in the middle of the room, staring at Clarke sleeping peacefully with her arms bandaged and still at her sides.</p><p>The heart monitor beeped quietly next to the bed. Lexa swallows slowly, walking to the couch and sitting there. Her eyes glossed over as she stares at Clarke again. She couldn't loose her. Abby sits next to her, giving a gentle smile. "You saved her life" she whispers to the brunette who just continues to stare.</p><p>"I don't know how... I'm the reason she did this in the first place..." Lexa slowly looks to Abby, her eyes finally wetting with tears and she shakes them away, looking down at her palms picking at her ripped jeans. "Do you love her?"</p><p>The question gets stuck in Lexas ears, she nods slowly though. Allowing her gaze to lift back to Abby. "I.. I can't loose her" she whispers tearfully. The mother gives an aged smile, wrapping her arm around Lexas shoulder "then you did save her"</p><p>Lexa doesn't remember falling asleep in her embrace, but when she wakes it's dark outside the windows and there's a hand stroking through her hair slowly. She blinks herself awake, sitting up from the small couch awkwardly and then looking at Abby apologetically. "Any news?"</p><p>She questions softly and Abby shakes her head, the sadness returning to her face "the doctors say she lost a lot of blood, they also want to admit her into the psychiatric wing since they were self inflicted wounds" Lexa shakes her head, words spilling from her mouth before she could stop them.</p><p>"No, she's not crazy. She's just heart broken and it's my fault..." she looks to Clarke for a few moments in silence then she looks back to Abby. Her green eyes softer now "I was afraid to love her and drove her to <em>this</em>... to trying to kill herself" Lexa cringes again. Burying her face into her hands and sighing heavily.</p><p>"Honey, the doctors know how to deal with this, with depression. They are trained professionals" Abby calmly states and Lexa rubs her eyes as she looks up "We're her family, we're here to keep her sane!" Abby opens her mouth to speak then Lexa spoke again "I can't loose Clarke!"</p><p>She says with a loud broken tone. Abby just stares at her, her brown eyes soft and she nods a little. Deciding to put the conversation to rest for now. Over the course of three days the dynamic didn't change much. Lexa would go home in the night time, and return early in the morning with various items Clarke enjoyed.</p><p>Abby always smiled the same smile, brushing her blonde hair from her sleeping face and then allowing Lexa to have a few moments alone with her when she would just talk to her about her day or her hatred of the hospital, or the drama at school that would usually bore her back to a conversation about her father.</p><p>On the fourth day of Clarke being in the hospital, Lexa brings a teddy bear and chocolates. She wore a plain yellow sundress and a jean jacket cover over. She knocks on room 408, hanging her head as she waits patiently.</p><p>The door opens and in the place of Abby's usual sad eyes there was a bright smile. Lexa gives a small smile in return, entering the room "Good morning sunshine" She says in a playful tone then looks towards Clarke's bed.</p><p>Her heart stops in her chest as the blue eyes stared back at her, timidly, as if asking the question only Lexa could answer. "I love you" She blurts. Clarke's heart monitor beeps an increasingly fast amount and she gives a small smile, watching as Clarke looked to her mom with a pleading look and then Abby smiles slightly. "I'm going to go buy some coffee"</p><p>Abby looks between the two girls, the knowledge in her eyes. She shuts the door gently behind herself, Lexa breaks the space between them. Sitting on the bed in front of Clarke and interlacing one of their hands.</p><p>"I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you, and that I was so fucked up from what happened with Finn to be available with you" Clarke shakes her head as Lexa speaks, leaning closer to shush her. "No, it's okay. You were protecting your feelings..."</p><p>Lexa gives a small sad smile "I'm sorry I slept with Bellamy" Clarke's face made a small one of disgust then she looks down at their hands "all that matters is that you're here now... and this..." she lifts their locked hands, her eyes looking back towards the brunette.</p><p>"And this..." Lexa adds before she leans in and quickly captures her in a kiss. Clarke makes a surprised sound, kissing her back immediately. Lexa could feel the hand running through her brown hair and gently scratching against her neck but she didn't pull away until the heart monitor was beeping like an alarm.</p><p>Until teeth were mashing against teeth in a smile and Clarke was effectively blushing. "That was..." she whispers with a wide grin. Lexa just nods appreciatively and scoots closer. She knew that's what kissing was supposed to feel like. Safe. Tingly. Not like lips just attacking each other but trust.</p><p>She felt safer with Clarke then with anyone else. "Mom says they want to have me committed..." she whispers and Lexa felt her own heart stop for a moment. She stares at the blue eyes silent as she thought.</p><p>"I think I should but ..." Lexa tilts her head gently, watching as the girl struggled to speak "it's a minimum of 30 days and I don't want to leave you alone for that long" she leans forward, her hand brushing Lexa's cheek who just gives a small smile and nods at her.</p><p>"I'll be fine, I told dad I was with Bellamy so he's off my case" Clarke furrows her brows but didn't speak anything "so I guess I'm getting committed..." Lexa gives a slow nod. Looking into the eyes of her best friend.</p><p>They hugged, just holding each other until the door opens with Abby's unannounced return. She holds a cup of hot coffee in her hands and an apologetic smile. Soon the doctor came to talk to them, Clarke was committed for the thirty days with hugs from her mother and a dozen kisses from Lexa.</p><p>"I love you..." the brunette whispers in her ear, releasing her from the tight hug with a sad smile "I love you too" Clarke says softly, walking through the glass doors.</p><p>The next time they see each other is after a month. Lexa stands near the hood of her car, looking off into the distance at the sunset. She had her arms crossed firmly across her chest when she heard the sound of a bag shuffling in front of her.</p><p>She looks towards the sound and her face lights up with a light that hadn't been there in a while "hey good lookin'" Clarke greets then extends her arms. Her long flowing blonde hair had been chopped at the shoulders with an under section near her ear buzzed short.</p><p>She looked hot and Lexa could recognize it without hating herself so much for it. "Hey, you" she greets then wraps her arms around her in a tight hug. They shared a quick kiss, Lexa pulling back when Clarke's hands started to wander only to see the look of pure guilt on the blondes face.</p><p>"Relax, I'm not upset I just have something better then this planned" Clarke looked hurt again but Lexa refused to reiterate her statement. Instead she climbs inside the drivers seat and they start for the Griffin household.</p><p>"Your mom isn't coming back until later tonight so... we can do whatever you want" she side glances her then returns her gaze towards the window. Clarke stares at her shocked at the implications. She rubs the hem of her shirt between her fingers to take her mind off of it.</p><p>Although that proves to be useless, once they are inside the house Lexa turns and captures her in a kiss. She of course kisses her back, hands gripping her waist and pushing her down the hallway hungrily.</p><p>With the discarding of clothing, the slam of a bedroom door and half an hour later the two lay underneath the blankets. Hearts content and beating quickly and smiles plastered on faces.</p><p>Clarke was laying on her stomach, her eyes watching Lexa who was staring at the ceiling quietly. For once she wasn't regretting this, she was embracing it, processing it and most importantly wondering when they would do it again.</p><p>Lexa looks to her left slowly, giving Clarke a small smile "that was amazing" she whispers and the blonde gives a relieved laugh. "Good..." she wraps an arm around her waist, leaning in for a kiss.</p><p>Lexa was about to kiss her when she felt something stiff and narrow against her side, she sits up bringing Clarke's arm from under the blanket and looking at it confused.</p><p>The scar. Lexa's face was shocked as she stares at it. The memories she has tried to force down so blatantly in front of her. Clarke yanks her arm away, sitting up as well and then sighing sharply.</p><p>"Sorry" Lexa says lamely, she didn't know what to say. Things had been going so well. Clarke glances behind her then she nods a little "I think with all that happened.." Lexa looks up at her face slowly. "With all the pain.." She looks at the scar on her arm and Lexa looks towards it as well. "Maybe we can move past that now..." The two locked eyes an Lexa gives a small smile, tackling her to the bed with a hug and a giggle. </p><p> </p>
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